im 20 and i pretty much hate my life. i wish i had the guts to kill myself i just dont have the balls to do it. im in the worst situation ive been in long time. just lost my best friend to an overdose. i cant help but feel like his death was my fault. i shared his last hit of heroin with him. i really only have 1 other friend and hes moving in 6 months. i lost my job last week too. ive never really felt happy my entire life. my dad abandoned me and my mom blames me for my dad leaving her (and me).
grew up poor and have horrible memories still of what my dad did to me when i was 5 still. he beat the crap outta me and made me touch him. im really not even sad ever anymore ive been pretty emotionless for as long as i can remember. my best friend died and it was pretty much my fault and i barely even cried about it at all. ive ran out of drugs and ran out of ways to get them too.
ive never even kissed a girl and im 20. well actually ive never felt attracted to anybody in my whole life. to me girls are the same as guys and neither guys or girls are interesting. in 6 months i will be friendless. my mom is so tired of my crap that ill probally be homeless before then too. i really dont think my life could get worse at this point and every time i try and do something positive and productive ive failed at it. like college, jobs, i couldn't even drug deal good because i dont know anybody anymore. i cant help but feel like my life is just a waste of time, i wake up miserable try and survive the day only to go to sleep and repeat it the next day. my life has only been getting worse for about 10 years. ive pawned alot of my things to get high lately because i just cant deal with it and the only time im happy or having any fun is when im high out of mind which is less and less often because i have no money now.
whats the point of living? i cant help but think if i make it to 30 how crappy my life will still be. life is just a waste of time to me. having to survive only to see the next day. i really dont have the balls to kill myself but if i do it i have a plan. ill overdose myself so people dont think its a suicide so i dont look AS bad because ill look like i died a junkie death and that wont be as shameful on my mom probally as a suicide. heroin overdose is a pretty painless way to die too. i know my future is going to suck and i feel helpless at fixing that. i dont think most people could last 1 minute in my head. its torture.
what do you guys think? is there a point in surviving when you really dont want to? im kinda unsure about god and whatll happen after death which is really the only thing holding me back